losing it.

Remember this post?  Today was a repeat, the second time this year.  The worst part about it?  I should have seen it coming — there were a mountain of warnings as to how badly my day was going to go today.

Hint #1:  I was getting emotional and almost shed tears over how amazing these kids are when watching the ballet documentary First Position last night while doing my nails.  hormonally triggered emotions.

Hint #2: I’m set to be officially observed tomorrow and today’s classes were supposed to be “rehearsal” on how my lesson will go for tomorrow’s class.  pressure.

Hint #3: I’m feeling especially stressed lately with our school’s student-led conferences coming up where my crew kids have to prepare for and present to their parents and other adults in the community what they have learned over the course of the semester; presentations that some of my crew kids need major help with – and they are a reflection of me.  pressure.

Hint #4: I had accidentally ground too many coffee beans that morning and instead of just leaving the grounds for tomorrow, I just added it to today’s pot.  Tooo much coffeeeeee by the time lunch rolled around.  jitters.

Hint #5: I spent all morning in meetings, parts of which were helpful and I find value in, others not so much (just a time suckage).  frustration.

Hint $6: I haven’t been able to really eat lunch since school started. But today I did, an apple which jacked up my blood sugar level right in time for my first class.  jitters.  nausea.

Hint #7: That familiar lump started forming in my throat within the first 5 minutes of class, when not a single kid would shut the hell up, get settled into class and start writing their do-now.  frustration.

Hint #8: This first class of the day has a handful of boys that just love to push buttons.  anger and frustration.

Again, I should have seen it coming and I didn’t.  I lost my shit.  

I went on a tirade about “if you want to play games, there’s the door.” and “what was that?  you want to repeat what you just said again louder to me?” — The kid has just whispered “fucking bitch” under his breath.

So one kid getting kicked out led to a second kid talking about how I’m doing too much. Second kid gets kicked out too — but then refuses to leave.  This kid then goes on his own tirade about how it’s illegal for me to kick him out of class and how he’s not going anywhere.  Which (of course, I shoulda known), led to yet a third kid to mouth off and get kicked out because “he doesn’t care anyway”.  So two kids in the hall (first and third), one of them yelling out “Cunt!” as he walks out.  The second one kid had to get escorted out by the principal.

I held it together for the next 2 hours or so, tried my best not to let the first class sour the second.  Allowed myself to cry for 5 min, wiped off my face and went to yet another meeting for 45 min.

The worst part?  I should have seen it coming.  I should not have yelled, I should not have kicked those boys out, I should not have let them get to me.  They’re teenagers with no sense of how their words and actions may affect others.  I should have controlled my anger, frustration and emotions a bit better.  Instead, I let myself get into a situation, which then set these boys up to fail.  So in the end, I’m more disappointed in myself than I am upset with the boys.

Lessons learned:

1) don’t make coffee extra strong anymore.

2) when I feel that lump of anger/tears coming up my throat, it’s time to take a breather – someone can always cover for 5 min.

3) don’t threaten kids with consequences with getting kicked out, it will only set them off to be even more defiant, which then leads to being called a “cunt”.